What Mood is This?!

So, I have to open in the morning, but I've been in a crazy mood for the past couple days. Tonight, this crazy mood is keeping me from going to sleep, which is not a good thing. I closed tonight, and I have to open in the morning.

So, here is my mood in a nutshell. I am thankful. I'm scared. I'm confused, I'm sappy, I'm disheartened, and I also happen to be sick; and because of all of these things, my mind is going ninety miles an hour thinking about everything all at once. Therein lies my dilemma. Time to break all these things down, and by the time I get done writing about all of them, I should be exhausted enough to go to bed and get enough rest to get up and work in the morning.

1. Thankful-- Over the last few weeks, I've come out to a whole new plethora of people in my life. Before I was limiting my coming out process to only my friends, excluding my sister-in-law who found out by accident that I was gay. I finally found the courage to tell my parents, and they were so much more supportive than I ever thought I could expect from them. In turn, I told you, Heather (probably the only person that reads this blog mainly because I don't hugely publicize it). I was never sure how you would react when you found out. I somewhat expected you to hate me, knowing that I had been living a lie under the guise of our relationship. But, you weren't. You were loving and supportive, and you continue to be one of the best people in my life. For that I can never thank you enough.

2. Scared & Confused-- Back in July, I started dating Kevin. It was probably the best two months of my life, but then he started to pull away from me. He broke off our relationship in September, telling me that he wasn't in a place to get involved in a serious relationship and that he needed some time to pull himself together and get himself back to a better place in his life. Now he's back. He says that he's doing much better, and wants to get involved in my life again. He wants to take things slower than we did before, focusing on a friendship first and then see where things go from there. He's not opposed to a relationship again but wants to take things slowly so as not to put either of us in a position to get hurt again. I'm scared, because I already know how I feel about him, and I'm not sure if just being friends with him will ever be enough. At the same time, I don't want to exert my desire for a relationship with him and push him away again. I once found a quote that said "The worst part about being your friend is loving you so much." That's exactly how I feel right now. I want to be able to be his friend, but my heart is screaming for more.

3. Sappy-- Ok, so this one is just me being me most of the time, and it's kind of vamped up by the fact that Kevin is back in the picture. My mind has sent me on a hunt for overly powerful sap songs and has found quite a few of them. Now I'm stuck listening to only these songs, and they all remind me of what I feel for Kevin. That would be fine, except they all kind of just make me feel all blah, because I know that none of these songs really pertain to Kevin and me right now. They're really just what I wish was between us. Depressing, right?! (I really should apologize for writing all of this, because I know that you're out searching for the Mr. Right too, and we're kind of in the same boat.)

4. Disheartened-- I had to make a decision that I really didn't want to make recently. I had to decide whether or not I was going to up and quit Dominos in time to be home for Thanksgiving or to stay until December 4th, which would secure another paycheck from them before I start at Teletech. Well, I'm swimming in bills right now (just got a call from Cox Health today saying that UnitedHealthcare has not reprocessed a claim from my hospital visit in July, meaning I might owe them $3,000 on top of all my credit cards and student loans. It never stops!). I decided that I couldn't afford to be without that paycheck, and so for the first time in my life, I'm going to be away from my family for Thanksgiving. I've already had a couple of those break down days after thinking about it. I know it shouldn't be that huge, but I already go months at a time without seeing my family, and now I have to miss being with them during one of the only times in the year where we're all together in the same place.

5. Sick-- I have managed to pick up something rather annoying in the last couple of days. I guess I'm sick, but I'm not sure. I have burny eyes, a stuffy nose at times, and a frog in my throat that kind of feels like something is stuck in there, but it's not sore. Weird right?! All of this has been accompanied by a headache that never seems to go away without the aid of my friend Extra Strength Excedrin. It's annoying, and it's been putting me in a really foul mood. Dear body: get over it already. Kick this whatever-it-is in the ass and pull it together.

Well, that's the long drawn out version of my weird feelings here lately. And now I'm off to bed, because 8:45a is going to come hella fast.

G'nite!

Remembering to Live for the Moment

It's easy to get caught up in the past and to worry about the future. Events and circumstances happen, and people come into and out of our lives, and all of these things have lasting effects on us and in some way or another shape the person that we become as we continuously develop through our lives. It's always our hope that most of these events and circumstances will be positive ones; however, it's inevitable that the negative things will creep in too.

Sometimes it seems as if the negative things always happen at once. Sometimes they do, but sometimes it just feels that way because for whatever reason, it's easier to for people in general to focus more on the negative than the positive. I'll be the first to admit that when I'm having a bad day, I generally dwell on the circumstance that led to it until finally find a way to get past it or I break down.

I don't like it when I have those days that are so bad I need to break down to get past it. So, I have an arsenal of various weapons that I utilize to try and avoid it.I write to try and help myself process my thoughts. I turn to my close friends, who always lend their ears. I search for quotes online that are encouraging and inspiring. Sometimes, though, it's not enough. Sometimes it's not supposed to be.

With the risk of sounding conceited (definitely not my intention), I consider myself to be a very caring person. There's nothing I wouldn't do for someone I care about if it falls within my means to do so. My friends and family mean the world to me, and as I've learned in the last couple years, I'm beginning to see that when I'm involved in a relationship, I give everything I am to try and make sure the person I'm with is happy. I've discovered twice now just how fast I can fall for someone. Both times, things ended with me having one of those break down days that I do everything to avoid.

I haven't really discovered the reason why, when I put so much into making a person happy, it's that very moment when I've realized that I've started to fall for them that things begin to go downhill and I lose him. Luckily, the first time this happened, we were able to maintain at least a friendship. I consider him one of my closest friends, and I would still do anything for him. With this most recent breakup, though, I think the damage has been done and a friendship isn't salvageable from what we had. Not that I would turn away a friendship. I'm just realizing that it's probably not what he wants.

I don't want to be the kind of person that builds walls to keep people out, and I don't want to be the kind of person that goes into a relationship but keeps things at a distance to keep myself from getting hurt again. I want to continue being the person that puts all of himself into making others happy, especially when that person is someone that I could see myself being in a strong relationship with.

It hurts everyday. But that doesn't mean I can break down everyday. I have a life to live. I have goals in life that I want to accomplish; other people that I want to help. It's hard to keep myself from thinking about him throughout the day. There's so much that reminds me of him. No matter what, though, I have to live each moment with better things in mind. I truly believe there's someone out there that I can spend my life with, and I want to keep myself from becoming someone that can't be receptive to that life.

Life goes on, and I have amazing people in my life that care for me. I don't always let them know how important they are to me, but I hope they know I would do anything for them. All they have to do is ask.

So, why the waterfall? I love water and waterfalls are by far my favorite nature display. They make me smile.

"No matter what happens in this life, when you turn around, I'll still be there." -Unknown